Author: James Anderson

7 Stages of Trauma Bonding and How to Break the Cycle

I couldn’t force myself into being attracted to a kind and available person any more than I could find liver and onions super appealing. At this stage, you may be aware that abuse is occurring, but it may be hard to recognize the extent of what’s happening and make a change. Your abuser may make you try to feel like things that they did or said didn’t happen — a prime example of gaslighting. If you don’t feel up to a support group, consider sharing what you went through with the people you are close to and whom you trust deeply.

1. When this occurs between partners, this is a trauma-bonded relationship.
2. Emotional connections formed with an abuser are known as trauma bonds.
3. You might find it difficult to stop thinking about someone who hurt you and feel the urge to reach out or try again.
4. It does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice, and does not replace, therapy or medical treatment.
5. “You have to rationalize that dissonance when you’re in a relationship like this,” points out Duke.

In this stage of the trauma bond cycle, individuals may give up or give in to their abuser’s demands. If you’re in this stage, you might give in to your abuser’s requests to prevent further conflict. In the first phase, love bombing, an abuser might shower their partner with excessive admiration, attention, or gifts. Research indicates that when gaslighting occurs within relationships, it usually begins with love-bombing behaviors. People who have experienced abuse in a relationship often have mixed feelings toward their partner. At times, the abuser may be manipulative; other times, they’re very loving and affectionate toward them.

Manipulation And Gaslighting

A therapist can teach you more about the patterns of abuse that drive trauma bonding, and this insight can often provide a lot of clarity. Notice the difference between these ideas and the reality of your life. Simply noticing how they experience self-love will prime your brain to see it more and more. And if you haven’t worked with a trauma therapist, someone who is well versed in childhood trauma and all the ways it can be re-enacted, it can be an incredibly valuable resource. As for that therapy, I mentioned in a past post (“How Trauma-Informed Care is Transforming Addiction Treatment”) the success people with trauma are finding with eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, or EMDR. A type of psychotherapy usually provided over six to eight sessions, EMDR can disconnect the visual memory of a traumatic event from the emotional response to that memory.

Dr. Gottman uses the four horsemen of the apocalypse to predict divorce or that your relationship may be headed down a dangerous path. If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. They may say or do abusive things while intoxicated and refuse to apologize or even acknowledge their behavior the next day. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.

The Cycle Repeats

They are masters at giving us just enough and then ripping it all away. In conjunction with gaslighting, emotional abuse and manipulation designed to make us question our reality, the major building blocks for trauma-bonding are formed. These successful medications and therapies, and others like them, are helping people with trauma come to terms with their past and successfully move on from it. Long-term recovery becomes a far more likely prospect when that happens for a person who is also battling addiction.

Recognize and understand the trauma bond

Our stress system is largely governed by the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal HPA axis, which prepares us to respond effectively to danger (Moustafa et al., 2021; Nakazawa, 2015; van der Kolk, 2014). When a stressor is identified, the HPA axis (in conjunction with other systems) prepares us for “fight or flight” by causing the secretion of stress hormones such as adrenaline and glucocorticoids. When our stress response is activated, we experience hyperarousal, increased blood pressure, rapid heart rate, fast breathing, and a sense of alarm (Burke Harris, 2018; Nakazawa, 2015; van der Kolk, 2014).

If you have experienced love bombing, you may find it enjoyable but confusing. The love bombing can often reel you in, so you form a deep attachment with the abuser fast. Carnes defined trauma bonding as “dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation” and considered it one of nine possible reactions to a traumatic situation.

A Personal Perspective: Why you keep choosing unavailable or abusive partners.

Loss of self means that you are so dependent on your abuser that you do not recognize yourself. You may be extremely depressed and suicidal and are simply “going through the motions” to appease your abuser. You have likely given up hobbies or other activities that used to bring you joy, and may be drinking alcohol or using drugs to numb yourself.

A trauma bond is when a person forms a deep emotional attachment with someone that causes them harm. It often develops from a repeated cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. When this occurs between partners, this is a trauma-bonded relationship.

Stage 4: Gaslighting

Emotional connections formed with an abuser are known as trauma bonds. Healing from abusive relationships is possible with appropriate support. Therapy is a much-needed tool for recovery, but your experience of trauma bonding might be one where therapy alone isn’t enough. In these situations, communing with others who have also gone through something similar can be very helpful. It can help you feel less alone and make you feel less shame for having been abused.

Trauma bonding and addiction are intrinsically linked, as substance misuse is often a coping mechanism for the emotional and mental stress these relationships place on an individual. The final way to end the trauma bond, and thus end a cycle of abuse, is to finally cut off contact with the abuser. Breaking a trauma bond can be a challenging and difficult process, but it’s also an important step toward healing and regaining control over your life.

This often happens early in a relationship or after a big fight as a way to “make up” for their wrongful behavior. Having someone give you this much attention may feel disorientating and can be a red flag for gaslighting, narcissistic, or sociopathic behavior. Love bombing is when someone overly displays affection through actions and words. Examples include grand gestures such as constantly sending flowers, writing poetry, paying for vacations, buying gifts, and constant words of affection such as “I love you” in the first week of the relationship. Physical affection or intimacy also prompts the release of oxytocin, another feel-good hormone that can further strengthen bonds. Remember that you were a victim of abuse and that it’s not your fault.