Author: James Anderson
‘I loved and hated her in equal measure’ life with an alcoholic mother Annie Beckett
However, organisations like UKAT have vast experience in treating people who are addicted to alcohol and we can help your parent too. On this page, we will explain how to recognise alcohol addiction and the impact it can have on families. We will also advise on the best way to approach your parent about their addiction, how to keep yourself and other people in your family safe and the treatment options available. If you would like to learn more about our safe and effective treatment for alcohol use disorder, contact us today.
Local authorities require proper funding to deliver crucial physical and emotional support to children in need. It is only by reaching out to the children of alcoholics that we can hope to definitively break the cycle of addiction that has a stranglehold upon the nation. The first thing any qualified professional will tell you is that you can’t make your liberation from addiction a codependent exercise. Having the wherewithal to realise your drinking is a problem is admirable and the first vital step to a better way of life.
- The daily glass of wine (or more) to defuse the dealings of the day can be a slippery slope, as many of us who’ve stumbled our way through the menopause know.
- Between 2004 and 2014, alcohol-related deaths in England rose by a staggering 13%.
- It affects everyone, especially children of those with this disorder.
- Getting your mom the help she needs is the only way she can break free from addiction.
- This will help you to plan what you are going to say and give you the tools and courage you need to help your parent into treatment.
The key to a productive discussion is honesty and compassion. Speak honestly and openly about how you are feeling but also listen to what your parent says with as much compassion as you can manage. Give them room to voice their own thoughts and feelings and it may spark something in them. Some people are subconsciously aware that they need help but only truly recognise it when they are forced to confront their condition. If your mother or father is ready to get help, offer your support and love and tell them that you will be beside them every step of the way. Living with an alcoholic father or mother can really take its toll and it may feel like you are totally alone.
Coping with Your Parent and Getting Help
Delving deeper into that is advisable, as is perhaps some form of counselling before that small kernel of discord becomes an enormous obstacle between you. Let’s park that problem for the moment, though, as I don’t want to overload you. I’m impressed by your determination to survive despite your mother’s renegade lifestyle and by your apparent lack of self-pity, a vice I’m flooded with in this job. Your mother is in her 50s, a decade I am fast approaching, and I can assure you it’s pretty difficult to reach this midway point without confronting and digesting your own foibles. The best way to help your parent into treatment for alcoholism is to assist them when they start researching options.
No such figure exists because these families remain hidden; the stigma around alcoholism is so great that those affected harbour guilt, embarrassment and shame. My family had for years grieved for the woman and the life we knew before she became the puppet of a drug. Nobody spoke as she staggered around; as she sat at the dinner table barely able to spoon food into her mouth; as she attempted to engage you in fruitless, incomprehensible conversation. Instead we hoped to navigate the fragile situation just long enough for her to fall asleep or for the drunken monster that inhibited her to take its leave. But you can only control your own behavior, and your mom’s behaviors are not your fault.
Seek professional help
You say you’ve made peace with your parents’ choices and their lifestyle, but I’d argue that as long as you are trying to “help” you’re still experiencing the legacy of your early days. You are only 27 and your biggest priority should be your own life. It may feel mature and evolved to have maternal instincts about your mother, but those feelings are as misplaced as her inability to feel similarly about you. Your poor dad barely gets a mention, and I’ll bet it’s because he’s nowhere near as demanding.
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Experiences
Addiction loves confrontation because it provides it with the opportunity to lash out or become aggressive. This is why rates of domestic violence are higher in homes where alcoholism is an issue, particularly when there is an alcoholic father present. If things do get heated or your alcoholic parent becomes abusive or violent, be ready to end the conversation, particularly if you are worried about your safety or that of anyone else present. Though the plight of alcoholics is awful – the demonisation by society (medical professionals included), cuts to mental health services, the ready availability of the drug … The list goes on – often overlooked are the struggles faced by their children.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask my husband to support me in the short term. But not only does he not recognise that I have a problem; he is also anything but supportive. Alcohol addiction is different for each person, so it’s difficult to know for sure why your mom drinks. In general, it begins as a coping mechanism to deal with stress, mental illness or past trauma. It may be that your mom started as a social drinker, and she liked the way drinking made her feel.
Trying to get those around you to change their behaviour before you’ve confronted your own is less likely to bear fruit. There’s no question that your husband’s behaviour is unsupportive and passive-aggressive, but you haven’t elaborated on your relationship so it’s hard for me to fathom what his issue is. I’m sure it’s partly fuelled by the fact he doesn’t want to drink alone, but ask yourself whether your relationship relies on such displacement activity to keep it ticking over.
Many people with alcohol use disorder get angry or defensive. Your mom probably knows that things aren’t right with her drinking, but she doesn’t want to admit it. At this point, an intervention from you and other loved ones may help your mom recognize and accept that she needs professional help.
It’s important for you to understand that alcoholism is an addiction and that your parent must commit to professional treatment in order to truly change. In the meantime, deal with their alcoholism by supporting your own well-being and keeping yourself busy. You might also try to convince your parent to get the help they need. If you don’t have any other experience with alcohol addiction, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), it can be difficult to know how to help. This page will explore what AUD is, how to notice signs of AUD, and steps you can take to help your mom begin treatment.
Tonight, my husband asked me to bring home a couple of bottles of wine, but I refused. He went off on one again about me trying to control him and that if I can’t cope with him drinking then I really need to get some help. I resolved at the time of my mum’s death to speak openly about her alcoholism because I can’t bear to be complicit in the silence surrounding the issue. Between 2004 and 2014, alcohol-related deaths in England rose by a staggering 13%. My loss is irretrievable, but others can be prevented, and starting a conversation around alcoholism is the first step in changing the national attitude towards this pandemic. Nobody wants to evolve into perpetual hard-heartedness, but when it comes to family I’ve realised that a long rope is the best way to remain connected.