Author: James Anderson

Why the Secrets You Keep Are Hurting You

To better understand the harms of secrecy, my colleagues and I first set out to understand what secrets people keep, and how often they keep them. We found that 97 percent of people have at least one secret at any given moment, and people have, on average, 13 secrets. A survey of more than 5,000 people found that common secrets include preferences, desires, issues surrounding relationships and sex, cheating, infidelity and violations of others’ trust.

Should You Stop Keeping Secrets?

On the other hand, people with secrets often choose to think about them, because they want to understand what happened and what they can learn about themselves. As in the case of dealing with trauma, expressive journaling can be a good way to explore your experience, bring some perspective to it, and help you move forward emotionally. If a secret causes you to feel a lot of shame or to ruminate on negative aspects of yourself, it’s probably good to pay attention and figure out what you can do differently to cope. That’s because we all have inner thoughts and feelings that either are not worth sharing with others or would hurt us or another person if they were revealed.

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Our studies suggest that what is important is talking to another person about a secret. A single conversation can lead to a healthier outlook and mind. Then, he surveyed more than 50,000 people from around the world to find out where their own secrets fit in and found that 97% of them had at least one secret from the list. Common sources of secrets included lies, romantic desire, infidelity, and finances, while the least common sources were sexual orientation, pregnancy, a marriage proposal, and abortion.

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  1. New research, however, suggests that the harm of secrets doesn’t really come from the hiding after all.
  2. Vital energy that the relationship needs to thrive is diverted to the withheld information that is trapped inside them.
  3. On the other hand, people with secrets often choose to think about them, because they want to understand what happened and what they can learn about themselves.
  4. Again, look at the first step of recovery – the admission of a problem.
  5. When people find a healthier way of thinking about their secret, they ruminate less on it, and have improved well-being.

According to Slepian, a secret is something about yourself or something you did that you hide from one or more people purposefully, distinguishing it from something you merely want to keep private. For example, we might keep private that we love having the house to ourselves when our spouses leave town—something pretty innocuous, yet personal. But we might keep secret that we went to a pickup bar and had a drink with a stranger when they left town last week—something we wouldn’t want them (or possibly anyone) to know. “It’s really easy to find unhelpful ways of thinking about something on your own, but it’s also easy to find a helpful way of thinking about it when you are in conversation with another person,” says Slepian. “They have a different perspective. They typically will welcome your vulnerability because it offers the chance to deepen the intimacy of the relationship.” Others ruminate over their secrets, caught up in persistently negative repetitive thoughts about them.

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“Like shadows, our secrets can follow us wherever we go. Part of the problem is that we are traveling with them alone,” Slepian writes. “If any sort of secret is affecting your well-being, I would advise you to at least talk it through with someone you trust.” Michael Slepian is a professor of management at Columbia Business School.

The Danger of Keeping Secrets

But if a friend offers to tell you something weighty in strictest confidence, think before you sign on. Ask yourself first if the information truly warrants privacy, Zafirides advises. “Analyze the reasons that you are keeping something secret and the consequences of disclosing it,” he says. I learned why I had such a hard time trusting my own gut instincts, which I later realized were quite astute. My dad, the man who supposedly loved me, also put me down for being “different” from other boys, causing me to confuse love with needing to prove my lovability.

Located in Boise, Idaho, Northpoint Recovery is proud to offer quality drug and alcohol detox as well as alcohol and drug rehab and mental health treatment programs in the Treasure Valley. To find the answer, he surveyed people in committed relationships and asked if they would want to know the truth if their partner was unfaithful only once and if they were sure it would never happen again. Taking the time to consider the implications of locking away sensitive intel is ultimately a healthy exercise — and that’s no secret. The bigger the secret, or the riskier you perceive its protection, the more intense the conflict within your brain, resulting in higher anxiety and a more potent fight-or-flight effect.

The Science of Secrets

In many ways, honesty may be viewed as the very foundation of recovery – honesty to one’s self, honesty when dealing with others, and spiritual honesty to one’s personal concept of a Higher Power. Again, look at the first step of recovery – the admission of a problem. People trapped in active addiction and denial will not usually confess freely to having a problem with drugs or alcohol. They will minimize how serious their condition really is, downplay the effect it is having on their life, conceal their self-destructive, addiction-driven behaviors, and ignore the concerns of other people.

Silver Pines and Steps to Recovery have provided addiction recovery programs in Pennsylvania for over a decade with detox, residential, outpatient, and sober living services. Last year, we expanded our services to include robust mental health services, new locations, and specialized services for our nation’s veterans with more to come this year! We are visually recognizing our growth with a unified look that better reflects who we are today and the passion we have for helping everyone with their addiction and mental health recovery journeys. Even if living with a secret is difficult, you may still have good reasons for keeping it—and that’s important to recognize. As an example, Slepian mentions the case of Edward Snowden, who kept secret his plans to reveal government surveillance programs to the world in order to bring to light something he saw as immoral.